I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Randomize
