the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
