And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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