i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
