I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
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