I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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