I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
