So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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