im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
