If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
