I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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