We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
