You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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