it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Randomize
