Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
