omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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