He asked to "fluff my boner.."
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
