i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
