So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
zippers are such a cool invention
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
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