I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
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