she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
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