i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
