made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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