her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
