I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
