Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
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You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
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It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
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