Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
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