I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I'm at about main and main street
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
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