My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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