I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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