im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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