You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
