I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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