Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
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