im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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