I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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