you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
