I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
