I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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