i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
