If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
