So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
