I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
so let's talk penis.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
