I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
