Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
