Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
