did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
