She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
