i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
