Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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