the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Who died my cat blue again?
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
