I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize
