yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
grandma shit on top of the toilet
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
