I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
