when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
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nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
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I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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