He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
