i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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