i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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