I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
i think i have herpe
just one?
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
