Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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