mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
