that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
this beer tastes like vomit already
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
