You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
