just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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