i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
