My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize
